The trouble with losing your faith in someone is that it makes it incredibly difficult to believe anything that they (he) has to say, regardless of claims of sincerity.
He's e-mailing me again. Why now? Why after 3-4 months of dating the girl who broke us up? The only answer I can come up with is that she dumped his ass and I am his unknowing consolation prize.
I'm not the same person I was when we broke up in many ways. That is not to say that I have drastically changed, I've just lived life more like a college student this semester than I ever have. I worked a lot more, I went out regularly, I met boys and gave out my number and made out in a bar. I realize these are stupid things to be proud of, but I feel like it's a part of the college experience that I was missing out on--- particularly the going out with friends.
If I should decide to give him a second chance (which--- why would I?)- that would be dragging him into a situation where I would expect him to go out with my friends and not act like a social retard. He wouldn't be able to- I would be unhappy- and we would fall into the same pattern of him taking me for granted and me emotionally separating myself from him.
Not to be crude, but when I look back on our 10-ish months together the only thing I miss is the physical intimacy. If there was a way to get that back without having to put up with the bullshit he put me through- I'd sign up here and now.
Unfortunately, though- I think we all know that is not the way things work. Suddenly I'm not so judgmental of the "friends with benefits" arrangement- though deep down I know I could never do it.
He claims he has changed. In more ways than one. But talk is cheap- especially when it comes from someone who has been shown to lie to his own benefit. I don't feel I owe him a second chance, but my curiosity is killing me.
Basically, I arranged to buy myself more time for this week (because it is, after all, finals week- I should be furiously studying instead of watching reruns of I Love Lucy. I get straight B's regardless of my study habits, and I already have an A in the bag for this semester, so screw it.)
It's good to come back to d-land. Can't wait for Christmas :)